Happy Birthday, Richard Wagner

Today is Richard (pronounced Rick-ard) Wagner's (pronounced Vaag-ner) 200th Birthday. Wagner, sort of the classic rogue-as-brilliant-artist, was an anti-semite, a misogynist, and an all around bad guy, but he was also a musical and artistic genius, and I think a perfect example of how sometimes it is a worthwhile endeavor to separate works of art from their creator.

Wagner is best known for his operas. Der Ring des Nibelungen (The Ring of the Nibelung, which being also partly based on the Old Norse Poetic Edda, shares some similarities to Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings), Tristan und Isolde, Parsifal, Lohengrin, and others. He was an absolute master of what is known as Gesamtkunstwerk (one of those funky compound German words, which means "total work of art"), so said because he composed the music, the lyrics, the set, the blocking, the lighting, and essentially every creative or dramatic element that went into his productions.

My father was the stage manager of the Seattle Opera in the 80s. I had the immense pleasure to play both a Nibelung (an underground slave-dwarf type creature) and young Siegfried in a production of The Ring Cycle (it's four operas) when I was a boy. I could go on about the beauty of Wagner's stories for a while (themes included Buddhist concepts of reincarnation, in Parsifal, Arthurian legend, in Tristan und Isolde, and human ambition pitted against divine power, in The Ring).

Wagner is known for creating some of history's most memorable works of music. I'll leave you with two of them:

The Bridal Chorus, from Lohengrin, often butchered at weddings in modern times and sometimes referred to as Here Comes the Bride:



And The Ride of the Valkyries, probably the most famous movement in the history of opera:

Giveaway: Delerium, The Debt Collector Episode One, by Susan Kaye Quinn

I have something to give you guys! I recently won a copy of Delerium, episode 1 of Susan Kaye Quinn's new future-noir series: The Debt Collector. However, Susan is a dear friend and one of my most amazing critique partners, so I've already read most of the series. Even some of the unpublished ones. Yes, my life is that awesome.

But, it means all of you luck out! I'm going to give one of you my copy today. I'm very busy, so I don't want to do a Rafflecopter or anything, but just tell me in the comments why you want to read this book, and I will pick one lucky winner.

Jessica Hill's Current Query Critiqued

Welcome back, and happy Friday! Let's get right to work, shall we? Today we have Jessica's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The query:

Dear Agent,

After seventeen-year-old Dessa Sanford dies, her spirit becomes stuck on earth and she must free herself before her soul is dragged to hell.

Okay. So this is a really cool premise, and as an opening hook, it's actually not half bad, but I think you do need a bit more in order for this query to really shine. For one thing, who is Dessa? I mean, other than being seventeen, and you know, dead, what kind of person is she? The first thing you want to convey in a query letter is Character. What I call the first C (Character, Conflict, Choice). Try to introduce us to her in a way that we can sympathize with who she is before you fill us in on what happens to her.

Dessa never expected to be dead at seventeen, Does anyone? much less surrounded by the dismissive living.  I like this. Very unique. She can’t interact with them, can’t tell them they’re wrong about her death—it wasn’t an accident and she most certainly didn’t kill herself. Searching for someone who cares, she keeps visiting the boy she can’t forget. This whole paragraph is actually pretty good, but I think you can reword this last sentence for a bit more clarity. The way it's worded, it sounds like she keeps visiting the boy because she's searching for someone who cares, not in spite of that fact. Does that make sense?

Garrett Cooper is the only one who believes there’s more to Dessa’s death. He saw something the day she died and didn’t act on it. Saw what? Always be as specific as possible in a query letter. I understand that maybe you're trying to avoid opening a big can of worms, but it's better to do that than to be vague. Now he’s haunted by the guilt—and Dessa. Nice.

With the help of a guide, Again. Specificity is your friend. Dessa must let go of her old life if she’s to free herself from the grip earth has on her spirit. But she’s too busy following Garrett, who vows to uncover the truth about her death. The longer Dessa stays among the living, the more likely it is the Reapers of the Night will find her and force her soul to hell where she’ll be tortured by the devil for all eternity.

Okay. This paragraph is actually pretty good too. You don't have a clearly stated sadistic choice (WARNING: link leads to TVTropes.org, follow at your own risk), but it is implied, and sometimes that's enough. 

Complete at 61,000 words, CRASHING DOWN is a young adult paranormal that I believe readers of HEREAFTER Hereafter, by Tara Hudson and NOTES FROM GHOST TOWN Notes from Ghost Town, by Kate Ellison (working titles of unpublished manuscripts go in ALL CAPS in queries. Titles of published works go in italics) will enjoy for similar elements and romance. I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request. Don't state the obvious. You wouldn't be querying if you didn't have a complete manuscript ready to send.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jessica Hill

Okay, in summary, I actually think this query is in pretty good shape. I don't read a lot of ghost stories, so I can't say how unique the premise is, but I can tell you that it is well presented here. 

Of the three Cs, your conflict is presented best. Second, you've got a Choice that can be figured out with a careful read, but I think you'd be better off if you reworded to make it more explicit.

Finally, the one thing you're really lacking is Character. If you can rewrite your opening hook so that it introduces us to Dessa as a character, and makes us sympathize with who she was before she died, then we will care much more about everything that comes after.

That's it.

What do you all think? Disagree with anything I said? Can anyone share an example of how to rewrite Jessica's opening hook paragraph?

Jessica Hill's Current Query

All right, readers: happy Thursday! Let's get to work. You probably don't know Jessica Hill. I didn't when Hannah introduced me to her, but I've been reading her blog for a week now, and she's pretty cool. Head on over to follow her, and come right back for her query.

The letter:

Dear Agent,

After seventeen-year-old Dessa Sanford dies, her spirit becomes stuck on earth and she must free herself before her soul is dragged to hell.

Dessa never expected to be dead at seventeen, much less surrounded by the dismissive living. She can’t interact with them, can’t tell them they’re wrong about her death—it wasn’t an accident and she most certainly didn’t kill herself. Searching for someone who cares, she keeps visiting the boy she can’t forget.

Garrett Cooper is the only one who believes there’s more to Dessa’s death. He saw something the day she died and didn’t act on it. Now he’s haunted by the guilt—and Dessa.

With the help of a guide, Dessa must let go of her old life if she’s to free herself from the grip earth has on her spirit. But she’s too busy following Garrett, who vows to uncover the truth about her death. The longer Dessa stays among the living, the more likely it is the Reapers of the Night will find her and force her soul to hell where she’ll be tortured by the devil for all eternity.

Complete at 61,000 words, CRASHING DOWN is a young adult paranormal that I believe readers of HEREAFTER and NOTES FROM GHOST TOWN will enjoy for similar elements and romance. I would be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jessica Hill

That's it.

Please thank Jessica for sharing her query with us, but save your feedback for tomorrow. Thanks!

Hannah Kincade's Current Query Critiqued

Okay. Sorry I'm late this morning, I had to drop my daughter off for her AP Lit exam this morning. I'm a little nervous, but I'm sure she'll do fine.

Anyway, here we have Hannah's query again, this time with my feedback, in blue.

The letter:

Dear:

Being a fellow fan of anything horror, I think you’ll really enjoy my supernatural, YA horror.

I don't really critique the personalization part of query letters, because they're usually changed for each specific submission, but I do think you need one more word at the end here. Maybe "supernatural, YA horror manuscript?" Do you see why I say that? I hope it makes sense.

When seventeen-year-old Zachariah Malone faces an obstacle he can’t take out with his fists, he must find out if he’s battling an evil entity or if he belongs in a straight-jacket.

Hmm. At first glance, this isn't bad. We've got character, we've got what seems to be an inciting incident, and we've got maybe even a sadistic choice. But ... this is vague. An obstacle he can't take out with his fist is awesome for characterizing your protagonist, but it's not so great for describing your conflict. I completely understand that you're probably going to get to it in the next paragraph, but you have to be very careful, because lack of specificity is the bane of all good query letters.

After years of being bullied, Zach finally learns how to defend himself. How? Like he meets a mentor who teaches him to box? Or he studies Muay Thai? Be specific. When Zach is caught fighting on school grounds (again), he makes a deal with the school counselor: stop his confrontations and attend an advanced art class instead of risking suspension. Something about this wording feels off. Maybe it's the "risking." Seems to me he would definitely get suspended for fighting, so maybe it should be "attend an advanced art class instead of serving suspension." The problem is, he doesn’t do art. But he’ll try anything that puts him in close proximity to Jennifer Drake and, most importantly, distract him from the voice in his head. This is pretty good. It's more characterization, the potential for romance, and a rising of the stakes, since we're beginning to understand a little more about the main conflict. However, again I think you can be more specific. What does the voice in Zach's head say?

Because the voice in his head has a name: Alice. She feeds his isolating thoughts with others’ secrets, as if he needed one more thing to make him an outsider. Okay. See? This is good. This is really good. The only problem is that it kind of makes everything that comes before it wasted words. I would consider working this detail into your opening hook. I'll try to share an example below. And not even Zach’s growing relationship with Jen is enough to distract him from the idea that he’s saying goodbye to his sanity. So the voice is something new to him? I think you can clear a lot of this up with a new opening hook. When he learns there might be a connection between Alice and a series of disappearances, he starts to wonder if maybe Alice is more than just his mind steering him towards a padded cell.

When Zach wakes with blood on his hands, he races to discover the truth. What does this mean? He races where? If you don't mean literally, then consider being more specific about what Zach does to investigate the missing people. Soon the police begin to suspect him in the disappearances, and Zach must decide if he’ll fight to prove his innocence, or run from a crime Alice is beginning to convince him he committed. This last sentence is pretty effing boss though. Well done.

TO FACE BENEATH is a dark, psychological YA Horror complete at 60,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Christopher Pike and The Marbury Lens by Andrew Smith. I don't like these simple, direct comparisons. I get why they're used, but I think people should try to be a little more subtle in their wording. Something like "I believe it would appeal to fans of the psychological questions posed in The Marbury Lens, by Andrew Smith, and (whatever is unique about) Monster, by Christopher Pike" (mention a specific book, if you can).

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Hannah Kincade
email.address@email.com
(***)***-****
www.thewritemood.blogspot.com
@HannahKincade

So, in summary: this query isn't bad. You've got all the elements there, you just need to re-arrange them, and bring as many specifics into the letter as you can.

Here is an example of how your opening hook could be re-written:

"Seventeen-year-old Zachariah Malone has an easy answer for most of his problems: his fists. But, when the evil entity who calls herself Alice starts feeding him other people's secrets by forcing her voice into his head, Zach must investigate a series of disappearances so that he can determine whether he’s truly battling a demonic spirit or if he simply belongs in a straight-jacket."

I know, it's way long, and I'm sure you can do better, but hopefully you see my point about how specificity can really pack more punch when it comes to your opening hook. 

Otherwise, I think the ending of this query, in particular, is quite good. You'd have to change some things in the middle, if you went with my hook, since the specifics of the voice would already be revealed, but really, that's fine. You don't want to keep secrets in a query, except for maybe withholding the very end of the book.

That's it.

What do you all think? Disagree with me on anything?